This Hidden Pattern is Stalling Your Business Growth

Megan Yelaney:

Welcome back to business. Not as usual. I have a husband wife duo today and when I tell you this is going to be one of those episodes that you’re definitely going to need to bookmark, especially when you’re having a freak out moment about your business and you’re starting to go in that spiral, should I even do this anymore? When do you call it quits? And you set a big goal and immediately all of those limiting beliefs and all of the reasons you don’t think it’s going to happen are coming. And now I’m literally speaking from my own experience ever since putting out my big series of 100k cash months. It’s just natural for that stuff to pop up. And anyone who pretends that it’s not is completely lying. And this episode is really about setting big goals and planning ahead for those freak out moments, planning ahead for those spirals when you know, oh, every time I have this issue with a client or I have to have a tough conversation or I have to set a boundary with someone and I’m so nervous to let them down, when that happens, it pulls you out of your flow, it pulls you out of your creativity. It costs you so much time, which costs you so much money.

Megan Yelaney:

And when you can have a tool, a resource, something tangible to actually protect that because you’re like, okay, this came up. Here’s what I’m going to do. You can snap back in. The amount of progress and growth you’re gonna make in your business is wild. And this is what Tasha and Brandon are absolute, absolute experts at. They are a married coaching team that help business owners break hustle culture patterns so they can build a business that they can actually sustain by becoming unshakable in their boundaries and capacity. And the reason I love these two, they are clients. They’ve been clients for a long time.

Megan Yelaney:

But the reason I love them, I, I am going to this, this workshop that they’re hosting at the end of this month. And I really encourage everyone to. But the reason that I, I really adore them is they are very much. And people, you can have wildly big goals. They help entrepreneurs who are very successful. They help entrepreneurs who are just starting. They help all levels, but they have helped entrepreneurs who have set wild goals and who don’t want to bulldoze or sacrifice their life to get there. And I know a lot of people say stuff like that.

Megan Yelaney:

Like I even say life first, business second. But they have the actual experience, credentials and tools to do it. Like when shit comes up, how to really work through that how to not really sabotage your own, your own success. Right. It all comes down to how you handle those micro moments that really add up. And that’s what I love about them. They’re not like, oh, you need to protect your life, so don’t set any big goals and just take a break from your business. Well, what if you can’t financially take a break from your business? That’s where they come in.

Megan Yelaney:

And they’re so incredible at this. So this is going to be a definitely a bookmark episode. Go check out the show notes. You gotta check out their boldly becoming you workshop. It’s happening at the end of the month. There’s so many juicy things in there for you. So go check out the show notes. Go follow rules and rebellion.

Megan Yelaney:

And enjoy this incredible, incredible episode with Tasha and Brandon.

Megan Yelaney:

Welcome back to business. Not as usual. I have some real special special guests on today, because not only are these two clients, but they’re two humans that I’m extremely fond of, would go to bat for and just love. I’m really, really, really happy to have Tasha and Brandon Skillin on. They are a married coaching team that help business owners break hustle culture patterns so they can build a business and that they can actually sustain by becoming unshakable in their boundaries and capacity. Love the way you said that. It’s like you’ve worked on your edge or something.

Tasha Skillin:

It’s like we had this incredible mentor who showed exactly how to get our messaging out.

Megan Yelaney:

As I’m reading it, I’m like, guys, it’s really good. I really like that. It’s really good.

Brandon Skillin:

As you were reading that, I was thinking, did Meg write this for us?

Megan Yelaney:

No, you wrote it.

Tasha Skillin:

We did a good job with you,

Brandon Skillin:

but you did it.

Megan Yelaney:

I’m so happy you guys are here. I really thank you. I’ve been wanting you to come on. And I was like, this is perfect. Perfect timing. We’re going to talk all about what you guys have going on, of course. But before we dive into the topic at hand, I want you to share your origin story and really what kind of got you to this very specific kind of business mentoring. You’re mentoring business owners, but in a very different way than a lot of other business mentors.

Megan Yelaney:

So share a little bit about your backstory because it’s really interesting.

Tasha Skillin:

Yeah. So we both grew up in entrepreneurial families, and so working for somebody else was not feasible for either one of us.

Brandon Skillin:

Did not go well.

Tasha Skillin:

We were not employable for long, long periods of time for anybody else. And so it was a natural go to. We both had. Brandon was in the entertainment industry for 20 years, and I was in direct sales, similar to you for 14 years. And then we reunited after eight years of being separated. We were high school sweethearts. And then when we got back together and started our family, we were trying to navigate a lot of moving parts and pieces, meeting the expectations of our family, of society, what you’re supposed to do as business owners, what you’re supposed, like, the. The house you’re supposed to have and the goals you’re supposed to have and the.

Tasha Skillin:

All of these rules without realizing we were following these rules. And then interrupt me because I’m gonna miss parts of it.

Brandon Skillin:

You’re gonna do fine.

Tasha Skillin:

And then. And when I was in year 1314 of my direct sales business, I was, you know, I was in the top of the company, multimillion, $3.2 million team, you know, six figures. All the. All the accolades. Yeah, I ended up getting sick. Like one, what, this one, like, December. I got the flu, and then I never got better. And what we learned a little while a couple of years later was that I had something called me.

Tasha Skillin:

So it’s a chronic illness that’s multilayered, comes with a lot of other diagnosis. And I ended up bedbound for two years, losing both the businesses I had at that time and, you know, not being able to parent. I was in a dark room for about 22 hours a day, not able to do anything. And Brandon ended up needing to work three jobs while also taking care of our two kids, who were like 6 and 9 at the time. You know, and then we’re getting older, and in that space, we realized there’s so much that we were doing that we didn’t actually want to do. Like, there’s just so much that we were doing that didn’t match who we were supposed to be, was what we really loved doing. And we were. You know, Brandon would come in at the end of the day after working all those hours and getting the kids to bed, and lay in bed with me for a few minutes before I passed out from being, you know, just so fatigued.

Tasha Skillin:

And we would talk about, like, what are we doing? Like, what, What, How. How are we going to do this? And we decided that when I got better, because there was no alternative. They had told me that I wasn’t going to and that I’d be lucky to get out of bed again, that when I got better, because I was spending the days that I was awake and functioning researching on all the ways to get out of this situation, that we were going to make sure that nobody was in the situation that we could. Like, we were going to really help other families to never be in a situation where we were looking at each other going, how are we going to provide for our kids? And how are we going to make sure our kids don’t spend the rest of our lives watching me wither away or watching him just burn, you know, burn out, trying to provide for us

Brandon Skillin:

well, and everything felt. When you’re. When you’re in a situation like that and you have to interact with the rest of the quote unquote normal world, everything feels crazy. You’re like, I like what you’re worried about right now is not my biggest problem. And yet I still have to worry about it because these are the rules that we had and so, like, Tasha and I would be talking about it, and it was like, I just don’t care. Like, I just don’t care what my parents want from me. I don’t. Like, I just care about you being well and our family being taken care of and us being able to not.

Brandon Skillin:

It puts such a magnifying glass on how we literally were giving away all of our time to other people’s obligations and other people’s expectations of what they thought we should be doing. And when Tasha. All of the time Tasha spent in bed was learning how to heal and learning about the human body and learning about how your brain works. And when she started learning more and more about that, we started implementing those things in our life. And so we started eating differently, and we started taking care of our time differently in a way that made other people uncomfortable, because we would just, like, people would say, hey, you know, do you want to come over? And we’re like, yeah, but we’re bringing our own food because our family has all of these health issues. And they’d be like, all right, weird. And. Or they would come over and we would.

Brandon Skillin:

We would be in the middle of, like, hanging out with people. And because of health, we would say, we’ve actually hit our capacity. We’re going to need to cut this short. And holidays, it would be the same thing. We would tell our family who was coming to visit, like, this is the only amount of time that we like for these few hours that we’re able to do this. So if you want to come, absolutely. But recognize that it’s not going to be a full day, and we’re not going to be doing all of these things because we need to take care of ourselves in a way that we never have before, and most people don’t ever do it. And when we.

Brandon Skillin:

As we did that, Tasha got healthier. As Tasha got healthier and we started looking at the world, we’re like, what the hell do you do after you come through that? Because it sure as hell isn’t going back to a job, and it sure as hell isn’t, like, re assimilating back to normal society, because this is what got us here in the first place. And as we started, like, really peeling all this back, we realized, like, every single business owner is going through some version of this because they’re trying to go out on their own and go against the flow of, like, do the. Do the social 9 to 5 thing.

Megan Yelaney:

Yep.

Brandon Skillin:

And at the same time, they’re also still trying to imprint all of these social expectations on themselves of, you’ve got to be the perfect mom and you’ve got to be the perfect parent. You’ve got to be the perfect partner, and you’ve got to do all of these things to hold this up while you’re also trying to run a business quote unquote, perfectly.

Megan Yelaney:

Yeah.

Brandon Skillin:

And it was in that that we started talking to each other. And we started back in the days of clubhouse during the pandemic, which was most fun we’ve ever had on a platform. Like, just digging into it and realizing that the thing that was really killing everybody was perfectionism. That was turning into burnout.

Tasha Skillin:

And that’s what those rooms we’ve just, you know, I’m sure you and the listeners, like, remember how many people discovered they were in burnout during that time because they finally were. They had to be still for the first time.

Megan Yelaney:

Exactly.

Tasha Skillin:

And that’s what we had happening in the clubhouse rooms. People were like pouring in from around the world, talking about how, like, I’m so tired and I don’t know what’s wrong with me, and I used to care and I used to have all this motivation. And we were able to start, like, noticing these patterns. And like Brandon said, through research, I realized I learned that perfectionism is a complex trauma response. It’s a. It’s a mechanism. Your brain and your body figure out how to survive a really complicated situation that’s ongoing to. To override authenticity and self.

Tasha Skillin:

Self trust. And so we were able to see these things and start figuring out, okay, if. If we’re in this situation where we’re not doing everything that everybody else wants us to do anyway, what do we want to do? And yeah, how are we going to do this? And so that’s the, that’s where the journey began, where we started, like, looking at and rules and rebellion, the rules that we were following and how can we rebel against those in a way that isn’t just get the away, but instead, how is this aligned with who we want to be and the life we want to live? Because when you’re laying in bed, not sure how much longer you have, the question is, like, what if this was it? Is this what I want to have left behind? And I was like, absolutely not. And so our life just kind of really opened up after that. We made some really big, bold decisions and really unpopular decisions around, you know, what we did with our kids who were unschooled. We started traveling full time, sold 95% of our stuff, and left Richmond, Virginia and started traveling. And everybody was like, what in the hell is happening, you’re going to ruin your family. You’re going to ruin your kids.

Tasha Skillin:

And the reality is that our family of four has never been more true to who they are because of those decisions that we made. And they don’t now have to fight like we did in our 30s and 40s to undo the conditioning. And so, you know, the business owner aspect of that allowed us to do that for our family. And our family being conducive to our business is the thing that has allowed us to have the best of both worlds and help others do the same thing.

Brandon Skillin:

And I think the thing that. That really happened for me when we were going through all of that is seeing how compartmentalized we were forced to make all of our lives. So, like, your. Your parent compartment needs to be perfect. A hunt, like, 100%. And your partnership compartment needs to be perfect and 100%. And your business compartment needs to be. And that’s too many percents.

Brandon Skillin:

Like, there’s not enough.

Tasha Skillin:

Like, literally that math doesn’t.

Brandon Skillin:

Math. And so the thing that we realized is that we were being forced into these individual boxes during different times of the day and being forced to, by conditioning to show up perfectly and pretend that the other stuff didn’t exist while we were doing this one thing.

Megan Yelaney:

Yeah.

Brandon Skillin:

The business that we’ve created and the way that we help our clients and the way that we’re so passionate about it is like, you’ve got a whole ass life and it’s happening the whole time, and you deserve to allow the whole thing to take space all of the time. Just before we got on this podcast, we helped our kid, who is away on a trip for an hour and a half on the phone, navigate an anxiety attack that was real. And we had other shit that we were planning on doing, but it wasn’t more important than helping our kid. But it also doesn’t mean that being here and being prepared and excited about it didn’t hold space either.

Megan Yelaney:

Yeah.

Brandon Skillin:

And asking or asking anybody to just pretend that other shit doesn’t exist is why so many people are burned out.

Megan Yelaney:

Exactly. The thing I think I love about what you two do is you don’t ask people to lower their goals or to lower their aspirations. You’re like, oh, hell no. Like, keep that. We’re still gonna go for the big goal, but we refuse to bulldoze our life to get there. Right. And I think a lot of people will talk about. I mean, I’ve used the phrase life first, business second, and all of that.

Megan Yelaney:

And I Think it’s way more, I guess, trendy in a good way. Like, that’s a good trend that we’re seeing, but they don’t necessarily have the real in the moment tools. Like, oh, shit, I had this plan, but this happened. What do I do now? Probably just going to freak out about it. Probably going to overthink it, you know, like, they don’t have that. And that’s what you two have literally mastered for years and years from necessity, because you experienced that like, so, so deeply. And it’s. It’s just interesting because I obviously know your story very well and I’ve read it and looked through it with you.

Megan Yelaney:

And even hearing it again, I’m like, seeing you now, Tasha in particular, I can’t imagine you bedbound. I can’t imagine what that was like because you are just so bright and just like, so, so different. Right? And. And it’s so interesting. I’m like, I wish I was a fly on the wall in the. The direct sales life. And to see the transition from that to this. And it’s just so.

Megan Yelaney:

For anyone who’s. I say that because for anyone who’s in a dark space, it’s like, there totally is a way out. And a lot of people who listen are either going through something in their personal life or their business. Just feels really tough right now. And it’s like, can I get out of this funk? Like, should I quit all the stuff that we all think so, yeah. I think your story in general is just so inspiring to that. And I didn’t think. I knew you were high school sweethearts.

Megan Yelaney:

That’s, like, really adorable. Even though you took break, like, yeah, yeah, yeah. That’s so cute. I didn’t know that.

Tasha Skillin:

It’s one of our favorite cheesy stories.

Megan Yelaney:

I was like, wait, I didn’t know that. That’s adorable. Mike and I met in high school. We were not sweethearts.

Brandon Skillin:

We didn’t even, like, talk.

Megan Yelaney:

So wait, I love that. That’s so cool you found your way back. There’s so many nuggets. There’s so many directions and avenues I want to go down. But one of the things that I know we want to talk about is obviously perfectionism. That’s one of the big things that you. You guys are really, really experts at. And I think that term is used so much.

Megan Yelaney:

It’s. It’s a buzzword, and not in a bad way, but a lot of people will say that. I’ll definitely say, hey, I’m a perfectionist. And we almost use it As a badge of honor, you know, oh, I want things to be perfect, I want things to be great. You know, that’s a good thing. And what you said though, which I think is like just to reiterate for people to like, ding, ding, ding. Perfectionism is literally what causes burnout and what actually causes people or stops people from reaching their goals. It stops people from actually getting that big thing because they’re so in that perfectionist state.

Megan Yelaney:

So could you just like simply define it in your own words? Like, how do you know someone has perfectionism? It sounds like a disease, but you know what I mean? How do you know someone has that or is experiencing that before we do?

Brandon Skillin:

I want to be really clear for anybody who is listening, who has identified proudly in the past or quite quietly still is identifying as a perfectionist. You did not do anything wrong. It’s a condition that we were all, all of us, especially if you were 80s and 90s kids like you, a hundred percent had this drilled into you.

Megan Yelaney:

Yeah.

Tasha Skillin:

This is the humble brag that you put in an interview, first application for our job. Right. Like, oh my, what’s your weakness? I’m a perfectionist.

Brandon Skillin:

Right. And so I want to be clear, you didn’t do anything wrong. And this was me. A means to an end, to create safety for yourself in, in whether you knew it or not, it was you creating safety for yourself so something in your life didn’t fall apart.

Megan Yelaney:

Yeah. Thank you for that distinction. I think that’s important for people to hear.

Tasha Skillin:

It is because when you start, when you hear what I’m about to say, it’s gonna feel like, it’s gonna feel like, oh, I’m not good. Right.

Megan Yelaney:

Yeah.

Tasha Skillin:

And so what perfectionism is,

Megan Yelaney:

it is

Tasha Skillin:

the agreement that I can, I have to choose your approval or the external validation over my own authentic self. And so perfectionism is, is one of four to five things. We have like five different legs of it that show up in a certain way. So we have people pleasing, hyper independence, productivity based, self worth. So you don’t feel like you’re, you’re doing enough. You don’t, you’re not enough. And you aren’t worth anything unless you’ve produced enough in a day. We have the pickiness and rigid.

Tasha Skillin:

Those of us who are a little controlling have that pattern. And then we have the procrastination, which is one that has so much shame with it. And so when we started looking at these patterns, what these, what it really is, is I can’t worry about what I need. I do make sure. Everything else out there is showing that I’m good, that I am worthy of connection, that I’m worthy of trusting, that I am worthy of investment. Um, all of those things that are reliant on connection, which is really what it boils down to. If I’m good enough, if I’m, if I do this right the first time, then someone won’t leave me, then someone will still be around me, someone will trust me. And it’s rooted in school systems.

Tasha Skillin:

A lot of time parenting that is even well intended. And these patterns just get wired into not just how we think about ourselves, but also our nervous system. So our nervous system starts to think, our nervous system starts to react. Oh, if I say this and I say it wrong, my parents or my siblings laugh at me. So I have to say things the right way. And if I don’t do that, then, then I get laughed at and then I get pushed away.

Megan Yelaney:

Right.

Tasha Skillin:

So this like at 4, at 8 years old, we have these. And it can be literally a moment that flips the switch for somebody.

Megan Yelaney:

Yeah.

Tasha Skillin:

That then they start. Because of how your brain works, you start looking for more evidence of that being true. And so you see more of that in schools. You see that in the playground. You see it in, in your first jobs, like all these different places. And it build, builds and builds and builds and creates these patterns that for business owners in particular, make it really challenging to take action. I mean, you see it all the time. I, we are, we are living proof of that being part of the process.

Tasha Skillin:

Three years ago, when we first started working with you, telling a story was so overwhelming to me because I needed it to be right and accurate.

Megan Yelaney:

It’s.

Tasha Skillin:

It was that piece that created so much resistance of moving forward in our business because I was, it needed to be right. Otherwise people were going to misunderstand me. People were going to not believe us or trust us or all of these things that would then result in not having the sales that we needed and wanted to make in our business. Right. So like these high stakes pressure with these little micro moments of activation in your nervous system because of these people. Pleasing patterns and procrastination. All those parts.

Megan Yelaney:

Yeah. And even something that popped in my head as you’re saying that like, as trivial as this sounds, like so much of phase two of, of my program, which you guys are very, you know, well versed in, is testing content. And so much of the time I’m like, you just gotta throw it out there and test and see what works. And some are gonna like, do Horribly and some are gonna do great. And as you’re saying that I’m like now I, I can even more viscerally understand why people are nervous to even do that. I think I’ve worked through that. Like I don’t care if something tanks anymore. I definitely used to, but I have to remember not everyone’s there and they still have those.

Megan Yelaney:

Like, well, I can’t because what is that gonna look like? You know, what is that gonna mean about me? So even just to put it in that very simple terms, if you’re like, oh man, I feel like so scared to test content. And how do people put out so much content? Not saying this across the board, but a lot of the people that I know who do that, it’s because they’re working actively through what you are talking about. They’re rewiring all of that. They’re not as nervous and they’re not as like they don’t, don’t care. And they’re being their authentic self because they’re getting rid of that. So I think that all, all goes together. Oh my gosh. There’s so many avenues.

Megan Yelaney:

I want to take this. I have to like reel myself in. So I just wanted to point that out because that was like.

Brandon Skillin:

Well, and I think to, to your point, like perfectionism kills creativity.

Megan Yelaney:

Yes.

Brandon Skillin:

Like it just destroys it because you get hyper fixated on everything needing to be just so. Which means if you do something and you’re like, I’ve got to make sure it’s just so more often than not, you’re going back to the beginning five or six times and all of a sudden the thing at the end doesn’t look like what you intended it to be because you’ve tweaked it out of existence. Or when it comes to the people pleasing part, like I can’t put this out yet because I’m worried I’m going to upset somebody. I’m worried that I’m going to make something uncomfortable for somebody else rather than saying what’s really true for me or

Tasha Skillin:

well, and I just want to touch on that. And then the ripple effect of that is in that person’s nervous system. If I do that, then they’re not going to trust me, they’re going to go away and my business is not going to be successful. Right. So it’s not just that moment, which is the thing that we help our clients like connect the dots to. It’s not the, in this moment someone’s not gonna like me. It’s what that means. Like what does that mean? Short term and long term? That person doesn’t like me.

Tasha Skillin:

They’re not going to buy from me, which means my business is not gonna be successful, which means I’m not gonna be able to pay my bills, which means my kids are gonna hate me. Like, it gets big fast.

Megan Yelaney:

The spiral can.

Tasha Skillin:

Yes.

Brandon Skillin:

Yeah.

Megan Yelaney:

And if you’re making any changes in your business. I had this for the beginning of this year and I think a lot of people will relate to this. Like when you’re starting a new year, you’re changing offers, you’re changing prices, and I tweak some modified one on one stuff that I used to have and I realized I can’t just, I can’t do it anymore like that with the capacity and where I want other things to grow. And I know I let down some people who liked that offer and liked that pricing and all of that. And I said I have to be okay with that. And if they stay and they go into the one that I’m proposing, great. And if they don’t, that’s okay. And I have to learn how to be okay with that.

Megan Yelaney:

And guess what? Better things even came. Now, I’m not saying better people or anything like that, but like people came that were meant to come and they went and did what they were meant to do too. And.

Brandon Skillin:

Right.

Megan Yelaney:

That’s just like an aside of everyone is, you know, I believe, ends up where they’re supposed to. And whether that’s with a mentor long term or they are like complete with that and then they go on to the next, that’s great too. And so I think we get so nervous about losing what we have, like you said, when we start to be honest, that we just stay small and that’s what keeps our goals small. That’s what keeps everything really small too.

Tasha Skillin:

Well, and one of the things about that, and I remember you sharing this when you were first having this thought a couple, a couple of months ago on, on social media and maybe your broadcast channel. Disappointing others is the number one factor, I think. Would you agree with our clients?

Brandon Skillin:

That is.

Tasha Skillin:

Is the number one factor of inaction or being frozen or, or avoiding things like disappointing others is the biggest perfectionism mechanism that plays out.

Megan Yelaney:

Yeah.

Tasha Skillin:

And the thing that I wish I had known 20 years ago that I. We try to get into with our clients right away is that you don’t have to wait for those things to pop up when you’re moving towards your goal or when you’re trying to move, you know, building a program, building an offer. You know, taking action and doing these drafts of testing content. You don’t have to wait until you. This thing surprises you and blindsides you. You can proactively look at it, because right now, you can look at your past experiences and say, when was I scared to take action before? Like. Like in a year, you’re able to look back at this and go, oh, this is something I know that I have a pattern of. I worry about disappointing clients because you care about your work and you have integrity.

Tasha Skillin:

That doesn’t. That’s not bad. The difference is how long does your nervous system let you stay in that place? Because being aware of that is integrity and it’s honor and it’s caring about people. But the thing that we see with our clients that we have had to work through ourselves is, does it take you weeks to get through that, or does it take you 10 minutes? And that’s. This is where the power of nervous system regulation comes in. And knowing what your body needs in those moments so that you. It takes 10 minutes as opposed to 10 weeks. So you’re not losing that time.

Tasha Skillin:

And that’s. That’s the superpower.

Megan Yelaney:

That’s the difference between reaching your goals and not. Because it’s the. All of a sudden, you’re like, a whole quarter’s gone by. What did I do? You know, oh, yeah, I freaked out about this thing for two weeks and didn’t actually build the page and didn’t actually make the post that I could have been so much further ahead. So this stuff is like, I just note that because this is literally going to make you more money and bring in more aligned clients, like, this kind of work, so much more than another strategy is. I just tend to find people are like, oh, I just need this. I just need this maybe. And most likely, no.

Brandon Skillin:

And so two things here. One, I want to point out that while we are talking about business and all of these hiccups and blocks that come from perfectionism.

Megan Yelaney:

Yeah.

Brandon Skillin:

As I was saying before, it’s your whole life. And so, like, we had a. We. We have an amazing client who we’ve been working with for years. One of these perfectionist moments, these I’m afraid to let somebody down, was that we worked with her on putting boundaries in place with her kids because her kids were texting her nonstop all day. And what parent is going to look their kid in the face, be like, dude, you got to stop fucking talking. Like, the only thing you want as a parent is for them.

Megan Yelaney:

I’m already thinking about that time, and

Brandon Skillin:

I’m like, no, right? Like, please don’t stop talking to me. Please don’t stop texting me. This is what I’ve been waiting for my whole life. And the reality is, is because she was worried about letting her kids down, she wasn’t making any forward motion that was sustainable in her business. And she was actually losing time with her family because she was like taxing back and forth all day and like momentum and consistency was breaking.

Tasha Skillin:

And because she has adhd, the task switching was really hard. So then she couldn’t get back in flow. It took longer.

Brandon Skillin:

And so she was then working either later nights or she was bringing work home, or when she was at the dinner table with kids, she wasn’t actually fucking present because she had been with them all day. And the attitude was like, dude, what could you possibly have left to say to me? And. And so, like, recognizing that this happens and this attention grab that perfectionism takes is everywhere, and recognizing that what Tasha was saying is like, you know where it’s happening, but we’re afraid. And you can look back and go, like, where did all my time go? Well, I was on the phone with these people, or I was. Or like, I was. As you and I were talking about before we got on this call, like, I’m hyper obsessed with cleaning my house because it’s cluttered and I can’t keep a straight thought. Like, that’s perfectionism. And when you regulate your nervous system the way that Tasha and I teach people to regulate your nervous system, it’s not that you’re just deciding, it’s not a problem.

Brandon Skillin:

You’re acknowledging that you and your relationships are all safe. Even when you take action that is counterintuitive to what society tells you to do, which is always be available for your kids or always keep a clean house, you’re making sure that you’re coming back to yourself and saying, you know what? I can say I love you and let’s talk about this at dinner. And I’m not gonna break our relationship. And it might be challenging for them for a little while, but because I’m regulated, I’m gonna be able to be present with you for your discomfort in a way that’s actually safe for the both of us, rather than I’m gonna put everything down to manage whatever random ass weird drama you had right now that you immediately need a fix for so that I can then try to figure out how I’m going to get back to my stuff. Or vice versa. Like when clients are like non stop pinging you and you can’t actually get your offer out because you don’t have. Because you’re worried that you’re going to disappoint your clients. You’re worried you’re going to push people

Megan Yelaney:

away, and so you don’t have that separation or boundary.

Brandon Skillin:

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Megan Yelaney:

That’s like, oh, my gosh. There’s so much that comes up with this that I’m just thinking about, even with parenting and. And all of that. But it’s so. It’s so interesting, and we mentioned this before we started recording, that a lot of our business habits or things that we complain about ourselves within our business are also reflective in our. Our life, you know, and it’s. It’s just interesting from a. Like, anyone who’s a parent will see this.

Megan Yelaney:

Like, as you were saying that, I’m like, wow. Mike and I were. We were raised very differently, and we had different. Very different childhoods. And we always joke or he jokes like, yeah, you have no trauma because you had such a beautiful childhood and all this stuff. And I did have a beautiful childhood, but we all bring in our baggage. And as we’re starting to parent, I’m, like, noticing I immediately want to fix or help Aiden in particular, because he’s our drama king. We love him.

Megan Yelaney:

And literally, he’s throwing himself on the ground, being very dramatic and looking at us. Did you see that? I’m like, you’re an actor already. I’m terrified. I’m so excited, actually. I’m very excited. But I want to immediately console him, and I want to help him, and I want to, like, fix it. And Mike’s like, hey, stop. Let him figure it out.

Megan Yelaney:

Give him a second. He just tried. And I’m like, how’d you do that? Like, it’s just, like, I immediately want to fix. And he didn’t have that help as much in some ways, in not a good way, you know, and some ways. And he knows that. But it was just such an interesting. It’s literally happened, like, yesterday. That’s why I’m like, oh, this is such an interesting thing to see how you respond.

Megan Yelaney:

And so I actually have had to unlearn that, because that’s my mom. Like, she’s an amazing mom, and she’s, like, very there for us in a. In a great way. And in some of those ways. And I have to make sure that I don’t pat. I don’t want to pass that down. So all of this is like, yes, they could be related to your kids. But when I think about how I treat My clients before I had kids, I treated them like my kids in many ways.

Megan Yelaney:

I was always like one. I wore a badge of honor that I would always answer you within a very short amount of time. Like that was a comment they would say is you’re always in voxer. This is amazing. And now I’m like, I will be on there at least within 24 hours, usually twice. I usually try to check it twice a day. And they’re so respectful of that. And no one’s results are worse for it.

Megan Yelaney:

In fact, better for it. But I had to really unlearn that. So as you were saying that, I was like, oh my gosh, this is so relating to business and how we handle clients and how we. A lot of conversations I’ve been having with clients is capacity and I can’t possibly handle more clients. It’s because of how they’re interacting with them now. It’s like you actually can so anything.

Tasha Skillin:

Well, and it’s also the thing that oftentimes is just so left out of conversations. And I will, I will, I will dial down the rant that I could go on about the conventional wisdom that we have about business and success strategies and all of these things. Businesses in this compartment, like Brandon was saying. But using your example, if you were just watching your little guy throwing himself on the ground, yes, it’s funny because we know he’s actually fine. Like there’s some humor to it. But also you want him to feel seen and cared for and loved and, and if you don’t know how to manage that, like you’ve already just talked about, you know, this is what I need to do and this is how it needs to work and it’s actually okay. And all those you are now have. But you have a call at 9.

Tasha Skillin:

Now you’re leaving that situation dysregulated, bringing that dysregulation to your coaching call, which is something that we can see, we did earlier on in our business when we didn’t have the regulation part wrapped into what we were doing. And so you bring your dysregulation from your frustrations with your partner, your mom, your brother, your sister, your kids, your partner, all of that. You can’t just turn that off. Your nervous System is operating 24 hours a day whether you want it to or not. And so that comes into your business and then you are second guessing yourself. You’re not doing the things you said you were going to do. You find yourself doing, being busy, doing a whole bunch of other shit that wasn’t on the moving the needle side of the list, you are overworking because you think if you just do more, it’s going to produce more. And so this is why we have this whole life approach to helping business owners, because once they get their life managed in terms of helping them understand where their activation points are in their life, their business can move much more smoothly because they’re not bringing activation and stress response from their life into the business.

Tasha Skillin:

And then they can see the stress response patterns in their business because they’ve already identified it in. In places in their life where there’s some heartstrings to it, where, like, you know, there’s intrinsic motivation to uncover that. I want my relationships to be good. I want my kids to feel safe, I want my partner to feel safe.

Brandon Skillin:

And.

Tasha Skillin:

And so when you can do it there, then it’s a really easy transition to business. It can be a little jolting. You’re like, oh, shit, it’s everywhere. It’s on everything.

Megan Yelaney:

I feel like everyone’s going to be so mad at us for this episode because they’d be like, I can’t unsee this now. Everything is perfectionism, you know, but it’s. Yeah, it’s like it’s going to get you noticing.

Brandon Skillin:

And what Tasha was just saying about, like, your. Your situation, specifically, like, having a. Having a toddler moment. And pretty much your. And your internal engine is, like, revved up really high because all mom signals are going nuts. And then you’re like, okay, now I got to get to work. We want to. We want to regulate our nervous system so that we can let that moment hold the amount of space that’s appropriate so that you can then move into the business day so it can hold the amount of space that’s appropriate.

Brandon Skillin:

And conversely, we have a client right now that’s in our program that we’re working. We’re helping her work through something. She has a huge thing going on with family, one of our kids with one of her kids.

Tasha Skillin:

Big deal.

Brandon Skillin:

It should be the biggest thing that she has going on in her life. It ought to be. That is the amount of space that this ought to take up. She also is a business owner, and the business pays the bills. And so one of the things that I want to make sure we’re really clear about is nervous system regulation isn’t a way to brush something off or put something on a shelf. It’s the way in which we identify how much attention does this deserve from me? And then based on that, what am I going to do elsewhere to make sure the whole thing keeps moving forward. So, like, with what you were talking about is like, we don’t ask our clients to dial down their goals, but what we do make sure is specifically like with this client, she came to us and she was like, this is fucking big and I can’t, I don’t know how to keep doing the business the way that I feel like I need to do the business. And so the way how we’re helping her right now is figuring out where with integrity, can she give 10% less here or there in the business.

Brandon Skillin:

Like, where can you create one video where you can send it to multiple clients?

Tasha Skillin:

She’s a fitness coach.

Brandon Skillin:

So she’s a fitness coach. And it’s like, where can you create one video that you’re giving it to multiple clients where, you know, you’ve given them information they’d never get anywhere else? And also, they don’t need your undivided attention. So that you can give your undivided attention to your kid who needs it the most. Because that truly, in this moment is the most important fucking thing that you have going on.

Megan Yelaney:

Yeah, yeah. And what’s your. I mean. Oh, sorry, Keep going.

Brandon Skillin:

No, go ahead.

Megan Yelaney:

I just say basically what. In a nutshell, another, like, very one liner for you guys is you really help people continue business when life is blowing up. Like, when life is lifing. That’s a. That’s what you help people with. Like, yeah, I help it actually keep going and without ignoring it. Yeah. So you’re not like, I’m just gonna pretend this isn’t happening.

Megan Yelaney:

I’m gonna put on a fake because that’s what’s gonna burn you out. You help them put those. I love how you said like the 10. It’s. That feels. I think I have a. We have a wide array of people who listen to this in terms of analytical, emotional, experiential kind of people. But I do have a lot of analytical people who listen and they like to have percentages and numbers and okay, but give me a specific thing to hold on to.

Megan Yelaney:

And that even. Because that’s kind of how I am. So hearing that, I’m like, ooh, that’s like very helpful. Like, even Mike and I will do this with a relationship, so. Or parenting. I’ll say, hey, I’m at like 20% today. I’m going to need you to step up. Or I’m like, I’m good.

Megan Yelaney:

I’m like, I’m at 90 today. Like, if you’re not feeling great, I got it. You know, And I don’t know why we don’t apply that also to our business sometimes. And it doesn’t mean that it disappears. It doesn’t mean that, oh, that goal, like you said, that goal has to disappear. It’s like, I think what it does as you’re. As we’re talking this through, it helps you realize what’s essential and what’s not. And it helps you get rid of the bullshit that you really don’t need to do that would have wasted your time anyway, you know? And so it just.

Megan Yelaney:

It makes you so much more, for lack of a better word, it’s not productive, but, like, intentional with what you’re spending your time on, which everyone wants to be more intentional with their time.

Tasha Skillin:

So you want to feel good about yourself at the end of the day. And the reason so many perfectionists don’t feel good about what they’ve achieved during the day is because it wasn’t the thing that actually moved the needle. And they’re doing it all with a sense of urgency that doesn’t actually allow them to feel anything other than urgent.

Megan Yelaney:

Yes.

Tasha Skillin:

And so if you’re doing the entire day in that way, nothing you’re going to do, there’s no amount of to do checklists, items that you’ve checked off is going to make you feel good, because your nervous system is constantly telling you it’s not enough. It’s not enough. It’s. You’ve got to rewire the beliefs while you’re doing this work. Which is my favorite thing, because you can permanently change this. This is not who you are. These perfectionism patterns is just what you have done to get here. But you can permanently change how your brain thinks about the reaction that it’s having in your body and the reaction to the situations that we’re talking about.

Megan Yelaney:

And that’s.

Tasha Skillin:

That’s our, like, favorite thing to do, is help our clients realize you’ve been doing this for 30, 40, 50 years sometimes. Guess what? We just had a conversation yesterday with a client who was, like, saying what she’s doing. I’m like, do you realize a year ago you would have never been able to say that? You just advocated for yourself in the situation, like, without even thinking about it. It was so reflexive, because that’s what happens when you rewire your nervous system rather than just do it. We’re rewiring the way your body and

Megan Yelaney:

your brain function, and you just can move. Like, I think a big thing that I definitely struggle with and that I have heard a lot of clients complain about is like, I feel like I’m moving so slow. You can move so much faster when that stuff is not there. Right. Or when it’s worked through. It’s like, because again, you’re focusing on what actually matters. Like the amount of times I have stressed over it hasn’t been that many times. But it was so impactful over firing someone.

Megan Yelaney:

Yeah, it was like six months. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do it. And it was funny because she wanted to go somewhere else too. She wanted to start her own. I’m like, we could have avoided this. Both of us are hardcore people pleasers. And we were hysterical laughing when we had this call.

Megan Yelaney:

We’re. We were kept friends for so many years. Still are. And I was just like, wow, six months. Imagine how much more money, clients impact I could have made if I didn’t keep this thing that was like so stressing me out for six months. I remember my husband being like, what are you. You have to go have this conversation. I’m like, I’m so scared to let her down to all these things as I care about her and I love her and she wanted it too.

Megan Yelaney:

It’s just so funny. Okay. There’s so many ways we could go, but one thing I want to make sure we definitely touch on. Well, I want to just say really quick. Tasha and Brandon are hosting this workshop that I am actually attending. Well, the recording because anyway, rehearsals. But I have already gotten my ticket and I’m really, really encouraging you to take a peek at it because what we’re talking about now, and they’ve said nervous system regulation and a few things a couple times, you’re going to actually start to learn some of that how and how to apply these things to real life business moments that are occurring. And one of the things I’ll let you guys obviously talk more about it, but one of the things that I’m very excited about personally going through it is I’ve set this really big goal, as you two know, and every single day I regret that I have shared it publicly.

Megan Yelaney:

Every single day. I’m so mad at myself every day. And I’m still talking about it and I’m still going for it. And one of the main reasons is because of a lot of the nervous system work and so much of what I’ve just taken from YouTube and been able to apply, but I also see where my gaps are. I have seen myself procrastinate. I have seen myself people please. And that for me, I thought I like worked through that a lot. And it’s showing up big time as I’m setting this big goal, big time.

Tasha Skillin:

So I’m glad you’re saying that because this is one of the biggest, I think, misconceptions about healing and, and nervous system regulation.

Brandon Skillin:

I’m glad you’re talking about this because I was just about to.

Tasha Skillin:

This is shocking. Convinced each other’s senses. Sandwiches when you are. So this big goal that you, you’re hitting, as you’ve said a million times, you’re doing it in a way that you’ve never done it before.

Megan Yelaney:

Yeah.

Tasha Skillin:

And so this is a new stressor. When we have new stressors, we have new goals. Old coping mechanisms always, always, always resurface. And it’s an expectation that we can now have going forward. It’s like, okay, and this is why knowing the patterns are so beneficial. This is one of the things we do in the workshop. The very first day, the first two hours, we are getting all of this out on paper. What are the things that tend to pop up for you when things are the most stressful? So that when you hit, when you are setting this big goal, that it’s a goal.

Tasha Skillin:

So it’s inherently stressful.

Megan Yelaney:

It’s.

Tasha Skillin:

Otherwise, it’s not a goal. It’s just a thing you do.

Megan Yelaney:

Yeah.

Tasha Skillin:

So knowing that, that a goal is going to activate the stress in your mind, body, and all the old thoughts are going to resurface, that can be part of the plan. So every day you’re starting the plan, looking at your vision boards and looking at this intentional language that we put on your vision boards that speaks directly to those parts of you that’s resurface. When you go after a big goal again and it becomes a thing that instead of being, like I said earlier, instead of being blindsided by this, you can expect, oh, when I go towards this big thing that feels enormous, that also now has this public pressure on it.

Megan Yelaney:

Why’d I do that?

Tasha Skillin:

You’re excited. It is going to, it’s going to bring these other things up. And now I know how to bridge that gap because I’m, I’m, I know what my patterns are. Rather than hoping the patterns were, like, buried, we prepare for that in the workshop. And so when you watch the replays, you’ll see, like, you’ll be able to find the rest of them and start incorporating them into a daily nervous system. Regulation, practice, to rewire that to, to create safety, which is really what this is all about, is creating safety with the big goal and all the things that come with it not just the goal itself, not just the finish line, but you’re becoming the version of yourself by preparing day after day after day of living the life where that person has already achieved that goal by the boundaries, by the regulation practices, by knowing who you are when you’re not, when you’re not people pleasing who are you and practicing that while creating safety in that experience. And that whole process is what we map out in this workshop. It’s, it’s phase two of the, of our three phase framework.

Tasha Skillin:

But it’s like a deep, deep dive with it.

Megan Yelaney:

And you basically get to like, for, like you said, pre plan knowing, okay, oh, this thing’s happening. I already knew this was gonna happen. That immediately makes you go, oh, okay, this is expected. Now here’s a tool that I actually can use. Great. I can still see the vision, I can still go for the goal. And I’m not gonna let all of those other coping mechanisms stop me. The amount of times that I have looked and gone, what did I actually do the last two hours? And I know what to do.

Megan Yelaney:

I know what to focus on because of the fear of not hitting it or all those things that come in. I’m like, man, if I only had this, like, I’m very glad you’re doing it very soon because I need it now. But it’s, it’s wild how much and everyone listening who sets a goal, you know, the second you set a goal, the limiting beliefs just come on in. You’re like, and here’s why you’re not going to achieve it. Okay, so you’re like giving us like a toolbox to like really go for it.

Tasha Skillin:

Yeah, because these big goals feel like pressure and anxiety. But after the workshop they feel like it’s just inevitable because you know exactly what to do to get there. It’s, it’s not how am I going to make this happen and what’s going to happen if I don’t hit it? That literally doesn’t exist. When you go through this process. It doesn’t exist because you know all the parts and pieces so that when the unpredictable things that happen, just that life lifes, everything else is already taken care of. So you can handle that because you’re ready for life to life.

Brandon Skillin:

The thing that Tasha’s talking about right now, one of the very first things that happens on day one of the workshop is you identify your complex life circumstances. And this comes back to this understanding that we have, that we work with all of our clients of you have an entire life. And so when you Set a business goal. Your other things are going to play into how that looks and how that manifests itself.

Tasha Skillin:

And so just like when you have talked about the beginning of the year, setting goals as a non mom and then setting goals as a mom is a completely different situation. It’s night and day.

Megan Yelaney:

Yeah, yeah. I would be taking a very different approach. Yeah, for sure.

Brandon Skillin:

Right. And you can’t now like, it’s not like you, you are choosing to not to like. You can’t just be like, I’m just not going to be a mom for the next six months while I work on this goal.

Megan Yelaney:

Just going to work 90 hours a week, guys. Have fun, raise yourself right.

Brandon Skillin:

And, and so being able to at the beginning of this workshop identify with no judgment and no shame. Just this is what my real life actually involves. I have kids, I have adhd, I have a cycle. I’m in perimenopause. I like all of the things that factor into just the crap that you have to manage on a day to day basis that equals who you are as a human being. And when you identify that, you then can start to have an even deeper understanding of where does my people pleasing show up, where does my procrastination show up and why personally, my procrastination shows up anytime one of my children are in a room. I will drop literally fucking everything to talk to my kids forever because they’re the most fun. And so I have to understand that I have to do the hard thing to have boundaries with my kids because I care more about what they’re talking about than what I’m doing.

Megan Yelaney:

Yeah.

Brandon Skillin:

And that’s sweet, but it’s not all that interesting when you’re broke. And so like being able to make sure that we understand where all of these parts and pieces connect is a huge part of what happens in this workshop. Because it’s not. We don’t want to be just focused on. This is a business goal. How do I. Business, business goals. It’s.

Brandon Skillin:

This is a business goal and where does it fit into the big idea of my life and what am I going to do to make sure that these things don’t hijack it? But also this goal doesn’t override the relationships that are also really important to me. And so when you look at how perfectionism works in your life and when you look at what does it mean when my kid is talking like what. What does that equal for me personally? Is it a distraction? Is it, is it somewhere? I am a people pleaser when it comes to my kids. I want to just be 100% all the time for them, but where does that serve them? Just being able to understand these things as you’re moving forward gives you a much deeper idea of, like, okay, this is the goal. These are the things that I’m working with. Now we get to move forward because I’m painting a picture of what it looks like to have all of these pieces present, not just I hit the finish line, and now I’m making XYZ money. I wonder where my family went.

Megan Yelaney:

Yeah. Yeah. Which is how a lot of, like. I mean, I’m not saying that’s what you did, Tasha, but you’re saying it’s what you did, and I did that, too. You know, that’s one reason Mike and I separated, is our businesses became more important than our marriage. You know, stuff that was already there before the business exacerbated it. And it’s like we just said, whoa, we need to change stuff around here. And it’s.

Megan Yelaney:

It’s. I know. I just. I think this is such an important topic and workshop for people to go to, because it’s really. You. You don’t realize, like, what cost your. Your actions are taking until, unfortunately, it’s almost too late. And we’ve both been there now.

Megan Yelaney:

We’ve recovered. We’ve gone through different. Obviously different things, different extreme. It’s like, if I knew some of this, if I had this, and I could see, oh, yeah, what you’re doing, sure. It’s making you money, and it’s like, killing you or it’s ruining your marriage. You can have both. And I think that’s like, the biggest thing I want to kind of, like, point to. You can have very successful business and reach these great goals, and that’s a huge part of what you’re going to set with people on this workshop is like, we’re going to go for the gold.

Megan Yelaney:

Like, whatever you really, truly want, you truly want. Not what you think other people want, but you truly want. You can do that and have this. And I think you guys are the. And people. It’s like, you can do both. And so that’s, like, why I. I’m very excited to go.

Megan Yelaney:

But I also think it just kind of sums up what. What you two do. You know what I mean? It’s like, it gets to be both, and it gets to be complicated and chaotic and beautiful and all of that all together. So.

Tasha Skillin:

Yes.

Brandon Skillin:

Yeah, yeah.

Tasha Skillin:

It is the. You get to have your cake and eat it, too. You don’t have to choose success in business. Or success in life. Yeah, it’s just going to look different than what they’ve. It’s going to look like and that’s what is going to actually feel good at the end of the day.

Megan Yelaney:

A hundred percent. Oh my gosh. There’s. I could talk to you guys for literally hours. Like so many hours. It’s just so easy. Um, I’m so excited for this workshop and I know in the workshop you’re going to dive a little bit deeper into your process and your framework, but a huge part of it is the nervous system regulation and having those tools and having those techniques. So that when these moments come up, you’re pre planned and it’s in depth, it’s detailed, but it’s really going to set you up especially for the rest of the year.

Megan Yelaney:

That’s. It’s gotten very good timing too. We’re just starting the first, you know, month of the second quarter and there’s a lot of people I know feel like the first quarter was a test. They’re like, I dipped my toe. I kind of tried this. I kind of now I actually know what I want to do or I think I do. That’s why the timing of this is so perfect too. So I will make sure we put the link boldly becoming you.

Megan Yelaney:

What are the dates again? Just so everyone has that top of mind. Yeah.

Tasha Skillin:

April 25th and 26th from 9:00am PST to 12:00pm PST and the replays will be available.

Megan Yelaney:

Amazing. Okay, awesome. Love it. I will definitely put that in the show notes and as well as your Instagram. And then I don’t usually like sending people to multiple things. Oh, what I just do with my zoom room. Okay, there we go. We’re back.

Megan Yelaney:

However, I know you have a freebie that I do want to make sure. I almost think probably for you it’s a good precursor for them to do that like as sign up for the workshop. But do this before the workshop is the perfectionism freebie. Can you tell us a little bit about that one?

Tasha Skillin:

Yeah. It’s just seven questions that you’ll be able to fill out and you name a goal and then you answer these seven questions. One of them is where do you double down overwork or try to force results when things feel uncertain? So that’s a fight response. And so we give you the four perfectionism patterns that keep you stuck from being able to move forward, create consistency and that drain your capacity. And so when you have these seven questions, you can start noticing these patterns. We’ll go deeper in the workshop. And I mean we, this is the entirety of our, our work with clients, you know, private coaching clients and our cohorts. But this, this freebie is going to shine a huge spotlight on where patterns are.

Tasha Skillin:

So if nothing else, this is going to give you more awareness that you can start making a little bit of changes in your day to day life.

Megan Yelaney:

Great. Okay, we’ll put those in the link so those three will be there. And Tasha and Brandon are very active in their mess, their dms. I know that. I know people feel. I just say that because you two have a way of making people feel very comfortable, very safe, very seen. And I want them to know that your DMs are open and you will be there to talk through all of this because it brings up a lot for people. So, yeah, if you guys have questions, questions about the workshop or anything we discussed today, DM them, I’ll put their handle Rules and Rebellion.

Megan Yelaney:

Easy to find, but I’ll put it in the show notes. Thank you to I’ve been wanting you on the podcast for a long time and, and this felt like very good timing. So I’m very, very happy that you’re here and can’t wait to see everyone in the workshop. Thank you guys for just being the best. This is amazing.

Tasha Skillin:

Thanks, Meg.

Brandon Skillin:

Thanks so much for having us.

Megan Yelaney:

I’ll talk to you guys soon. Bye everyone.